Depression and Me

You feel bad– You take pill — Problem solved.

I am a 28 year old single women, living away from family since I am 18.

All alone in big cities , miles and miles away from family, I was always the occasional visitor to home.

Life has shown me it’s different colors , sometimes black sometimes white but most of the times gray.

But everyone around me sees me as the most happiest person on earth. Very few know about the depression and anxiety I have been through. Nasty breakups, financial crisis, ill health, job changes, working as a team leader in a male dominated industry isn’t so easy. Especially for a girl who hailed from a small village in kerala.

Lots of people asks me how I am happy and pumped up all the time.

I would never say that I have “cured” my anxiety. That just seems silly to me.

Depression

I have made a list of things which I have to give more importance in life, to be precise, a checklist.

I am able to continue living my life anyway, as happy as I can be?

You bet I can.

I didn’t always feel this way.

When I was 14, I first experienced the “Bad Touch” but wasn’t able to understand and do anything about it instead I choose to remain silent and avoid the situation, like many girls do.

There must be something wrong with me to feel this way– I thought.

During the struggles of life, which most of us face, we tend to forget what we are actually capable of. We tend to forget our strengths and feed on our weaknesses.

For most of my life, If I felt sick, I went to the doctor who gave me a pill and made everything better. Never gone too deep to the roots of the cause. Western medicine led me to believe this was how health care worked.

You feel bad– You take pill — Problem solved.

The same approach even when anxiety wrecked my world.

Anxiousness, panic attacks, Night terrors– the answer was pills.

There were nights when I cried out so loud for no reason- then I would look at my mirror and talk to myself,

that made me feel like I am not alone.

I saw doctors, therapists– you name it. Everyone offered me pills, good sleep, drink water, engage yourself to the things you love— but nothing seemed to help, after all I didn’t love even a single thing around me.

I decided I should change– I should start finding beauty in everything– no matter how hard it is.

I made friends, I started dating. But I was too bad at choosing.

Some of them used me for financial benefits, it’s not always true that girls suck the money out of men and leave.

Most of the time its other way around.

I realized I am the therapist for my problems. I started my dance practices, started writing, read books without even looking what sort of story it contains.

Slowly.. Very slowly..

I was able to choose my books, believe me — if you can choose the right book to read, rest all will come naturally.

I decided- No more doctors– No more feeling sick– No more feeling bad about myself.

I am enough– I worth more than what I received.

Those nights, A fire lit inside me like I had never felt before. As if I had hit rock bottom and the only way to backup was to rise to the occasion.

It took far too long for me to realize that I had it all wrong. I had no one to guide but only me.

The moment I took accountability for my happiness is when I realized how stupid I was all along.

I made some simple lifestyle changes that drastically improved my situation.

That’s why I tell people I never cured my problems, I learned how to manage it.

We all can do that, I believe.

There wasn’t actually anything wrong with me, it was all my mind playing games with me when I was alone.

I started enjoying my solitude.

To manage this , I had to become proactive.

Do not fight your feelings , instead recognize it for what it is and allow it to fade by its own.

It took me a painfully long time to learn this art.

But if you let go, You allow yourself to be free.

I rose from the pit of despair and conquered my fears.

Today, I happily manage my problems, but I sure as hell I haven’t “cured” it.

Writer :

Aadhira : Just a small town girl trapped in a big town. Amature at everything. I live for the moments you can’t put into words, and few things transcend a cup of coffee and someone to share it with.
Hotelier by profession. Still living the quarter life crisis.